i think every tear drop for reasons. I always think so.

I dont know how I ever start with my depression in Sevilla, from the first day i was sent to this woman who i lived with for months, who i had been suffer so much mental depressions with. I felt all the fault were blamed on me, because people would said, with all the help she gave you, any problem could only caused by myself. Altho I could never agree with this.

During the first 4 months I was in Sevilla, I didnt really have friends and live my life around her, normally 6 days in the house I speak only with her, this lead to the problem I stop to try to speak spanish, I felt like a complete fool with her around, trasnlating everything, put notes on table “mesa”, “puerta” “cocinar”. I couldnt ever get a chance to speak and to do my own translator, and felt like everybody were looking at me like a complete loser depending on her. this langauge gate bring me to the end of the beginning. And then carries on with so much more depression of her life, her job and her activities. I am always by the side, have no position in whats so ever , until I moved on with the so called boy friend, but in a way i felt my life had only been transfer to another similar track(once you been thro it, you’re always trapped), and i dont know why i came here for anymore.

The situation in CNT is a mess, on friday people came in the office and trying to beat other people in front of of my face, and i wonder why i spend one year of my 20’s to be in a situation that i had before to make myself feel deadly alive again, why after all these years i still put up with all these shit, is it becuase finally i accept the fact, life is a shit, and i have to live like this all my life, or i had became too fateism. my life is in my hand, and if so, why am i here, wasting all my life with people violating me with mental threats, and physical threats?
What is life to me?


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