i think every tear drop for reasons. I always think so.

I dont know how I ever start with my depression in Sevilla, from the first day i was sent to this woman who i lived with for months, who i had been suffer so much mental depressions with. I felt all the fault were blamed on me, because people would said, with all the help she gave you, any problem could only caused by myself. Altho I could never agree with this.

During the first 4 months I was in Sevilla, I didnt really have friends and live my life around her, normally 6 days in the house I speak only with her, this lead to the problem I stop to try to speak spanish, I felt like a complete fool with her around, trasnlating everything, put notes on table “mesa”, “puerta” “cocinar”. I couldnt ever get a chance to speak and to do my own translator, and felt like everybody were looking at me like a complete loser depending on her. this langauge gate bring me to the end of the beginning. And then carries on with so much more depression of her life, her job and her activities. I am always by the side, have no position in whats so ever , until I moved on with the so called boy friend, but in a way i felt my life had only been transfer to another similar track(once you been thro it, you’re always trapped), and i dont know why i came here for anymore.

The situation in CNT is a mess, on friday people came in the office and trying to beat other people in front of of my face, and i wonder why i spend one year of my 20’s to be in a situation that i had before to make myself feel deadly alive again, why after all these years i still put up with all these shit, is it becuase finally i accept the fact, life is a shit, and i have to live like this all my life, or i had became too fateism. my life is in my hand, and if so, why am i here, wasting all my life with people violating me with mental threats, and physical threats?
What is life to me?

The sickness of being a social animal

The conflict has only gone bigger than i would ever expect. A friend in Indonesia said to me 5 mins ago :do you remember, I told you before, it must be a distruction to begin”. When the time he said this to me I was thinking of something else, maybe I think the union isn’t perfect but at least it remains and it opens a place where we all have a chance to come and join in the revolution. well, at least to prepare for the revolution….

 

people always say its about personal problem in the union, but i had only came here for 8 months, i dont know anybody that well to have a personal problem, i dont speak spanish that well to create a problem. what i see is what i see with my eyes. a worker said : the assembly is not important! and this is end of the conversation. one least thing that each of the person who walks out of the union door – no matter if we failed to keep them resist in their struggle or if we failed to help them to gain their rights, one thing we can not forget to pass to them is the believe – the assembly is everything, in this assembly each person have equal rights and you come here decide your future, not professional striker, in this assembly people get to speak like they never did before, with no body give you lines and directions of what you suppose to do or say.

 

I think its so easy we failed and lost in a struggle, when all we are thinking is to win, and the process is not important anymore, we calculate our money and our time, we act to win, we act to improve the situation. And we forget the most important things are not our aim and how much land and people we conquered, it is about how we come to where we are, we can speak proudly its been far and its been hard, I had never gave up a bit dignity and the believe of the real liberalism to come to where I am. I know how we had always speak about, “well forget it, iif this people are doing things differently, we will meet in the end”. the process leads the end. And with a very different way of doing things, its impossible to lead to the same end. we only grow more greedily each days, the more you take the more you want, the more follower you gain the more you want, the more cheer you hear the more you desire, the more control you have the more you dream of…….

 

so don’t say, “well, let’s DO this revolution FOR the people, now they call us fascist, by the end when they all have freedom they will appreciated us.” I say, by the end, we all gonna die in a fascist land. Simple as that.

西班牙的沙堆

人生中最幹的事包括了 之前跟人家小幫派鬼混的時候, 沒有撐下來. 想要是當時留到現在搞不好都可混個小區域的大尾來幹幹或是啥的.

當然這只是個鬼扯, 就像我要跟你述說得我在西班牙的遭遇一樣,怎麼都希望是十年後的馬後炮鬼話的閒話之一

事實的確是如此,我在惡夢中驚醒, 工會的朋友跟工會其他人的子女一堆人血淋淋得躺在一個疾靜的山區中,我走下車頭被撞爛的車子,在我附近某個工會成員得女兒躺在血泊中嘴巴還跟著留著血,身體一喘一喘的.我像是毫無劇怕的繼續往前走去,一個我認識的工會男子的頭埋在破裂的車門下.我低下頭看看他是否還活著.跟著我聽到劇哄,工會某人頭髮頓時發白長長到肩,我蹲在頭被埋下的工會男子身旁.我的手臂不知何時也開始流起血來,但我感受不到痛苦,我只是揪著眼睛往前看,又一個劇哄,另外一人倒下,這人這是那白髮及肩的男子的親人.我奮力的往前跑去直到我躍身跳過幾個地上的大洞,直到另外一邊的山丘上,我知道,那邊有另外一個中立之地,到了那邊他們會給我水及食物.我再也不用看著眼前得這片殺戮戰場,我的寒毛塑得我直發抖.噴跑跳躍之際我聽到人的慘叫.但我一職拼命得跑,一個大坑洞裡的工會人員還再喘氣得看著我,手伸得直狠狠的,演神露出痛苦,我轉頭望向遠方,那個白色的堡壘的中立之地,跟在我眼前這滿身是血的人,三天前我還在同一個辦公室裡跟他講笑話,開懷大笑的我們都不知道三天後的殺機如此得無可避免.我伸手向他,跟著整個人跟著他甚入沙堆中. 我的喊叫,在我還來不急喊出時已經被沙堆埋沒.

這跟事實相距頗遠,就算我在怎麼的感受到我已經陷入了不知底的沙堆中.其他的人還是像沒事一樣得幹他們的日常生活作息.然後我了解了一切的差別在於.我是為他們的存在而來得,他們是為他們自我而存在的.然後我懂得這一切就如德博講的一樣抽像.

革命前鋒們

 

我來西班牙就為一件事,是很清楚的。就是為了探看全國勞工聯盟怎麼實踐我過去所不斷重複的「信念」,而來到這裡,才感受到信念這個詞是個鬼,在素食我們有句話「you are what you eat」你吃什麼就是什麼。而來這裡,我告訴你,「you are what you do」,信念像是第二次世界大戰的英雄事蹟一樣,你講都講不完,講得時候還滿臉得意的說,沒錯,就是那個創造了現在的我們。誰都不記得當初幹了什麼樣的骯髒事,讓我們打敗法西斯,創造「我們的」時代。西班牙共產主義者特愛用第二共合國國旗,而這面國旗好像什麼神奇的民主像徵,但在我的眼裡,只是一個出賣了直接民主的改革派,只是那個故事是很久很久以前,我們學習為了部分故事感動的哭泣,忘了我們出賣了朋友、唾棄民主的那部分。有時我想歷史學家在充滿對人類知識的狂喜之外,實在也該看看人類知識摧殘社會的可怖。
現在的我,認為所有的策略就跟政府政策一樣,沒有所謂的全面性。只是在於說話的誰,站在什麼一個位置上說怎麼樣一句話。我記得曾經跟一個印尼安那其主義「原老」聊到人是怎麼出賣自己的,這個資本主義叢林裡,人們學會背棄自己,策略性的背棄是符合現代社會的真革命者-人們一開始堅信唯有策略性的背棄才能贏得最終的勝利,只是最終到底誰再也不相信革命本身,只是一昧的重覆資本主義的生存遊戲

我來西班牙就為一件事,是很清楚的。就是為了探看全國勞工聯盟怎麼實踐我過去所不斷重複的「信念」,而來到這裡,才感受到信念這個詞是個鬼,在素食我們有句話「you are what you eat」你吃什麼就是什麼。而來這裡,我告訴你,「you are what you do」,信念像是第二次世界大戰的英雄事蹟一樣,你講都講不完,講得時候還滿臉得意的說,沒錯,就是那個創造了現在的我們。誰都不記得當初幹了什麼樣的骯髒事,讓我們打敗法西斯,創造「我們的」時代。西班牙共產主義者特愛用第二共合國國旗,而這面國旗好像什麼神奇的民主像徵,但在我的眼裡,只是一個出賣了直接民主的改革派,只是那個故事是很久很久以前,我們學習為了部分故事感動的哭泣,忘了我們出賣了朋友、唾棄民主的那部分。有時我想歷史學家在充滿對人類知識的狂喜之外,實在也該看看人類知識摧殘社會的可怖。
現在的我,認為所有的策略就跟政府政策一樣,沒有所謂的全面性。只是在於說話的誰,站在什麼一個位置上說怎麼樣一句話。我記得曾經跟一個印尼安那其主義「原老」聊到人是怎麼出賣自己的,這個資本主義叢林裡,人們學會背棄自己,策略性的背棄是符合現代社會的真革命者-人們一開始堅信唯有策略性的背棄才能贏得最終的勝利,只是最終到底誰再也不相信革命本身,只是一昧的重覆資本主義的生存遊戲